If You're Reading This...

If you're reading this, know I want to post this on Facebook, but I know I can't. I won't seem strong anymore. If you're reading this, know I want to message you, but I know I shouldn't. If you're reading this, know how badly I want to come back to you.

I don't want this to be over. I want to go back to the way things are. Hurry up and get your life in order so I can come back to you. Just going through the motions of everyday is killer. I think about you with everything I do. Literally almost any song on the radio or on my phone makes me think of you. Some songs make me miss you and makes me think of how our relationship was; while some songs try to remind me that I'm better off without you. I don't know how to move on.

I just want to text you all the time and see how you're doing. I want to know if this hurts you as badly as it hurts me. I want to ask our friends to check on you and then report back to me. But I know all these things are counterproductive. I have to joke about not getting my "Ring By Spring" anymore. I have to act strong in front of the rest of the world because that's who I am. The rest of the world sees me as this strong woman who was done wrong and could care less of what he's doing now, when in reality I'm a mess who just wants to call you and cry to you and tell you "I'm sorry, lets fix this." I want to text you I miss you, but I can't.

Everyone says what you've done is unforgivable and that I could never go back to such a piece of scum. I just want to forget this ever happened. I wish cheating wasn't such a problem. Not to the point of wanting to be in an open or polygamist relationship, but to the point of not having to leave the person you were going to marry because while you were living in separate cities, he got a little too drunk missing people and hooked up with someone because he couldn't see you. You didn't mean to hurt me, so why should this be such a problem?

I wish I could just sweep this under the rug and not worry about it anymore, but I can't. Ignorance is bliss and I just wish I didn't know how to be "so strong" or "so wise and mature". I've lost the two most important men in my life in the past 4 months and I don't know how to  function. I know there is no way I can get my dad back, but knowing Michael is still out there hurt more. It means that there is still a chance, and I feel like every chance I've ever gotten has been shot down.

I hope you're okay, and that you don't hate me. I hope that you hurry up and fix your life so I can take you back. Just get a good car, move to College Station, get a job here and life can go back to the way it was. Prove to me that you want this too. Prove to me I can trust you again. Prove to me that I shouldn't have to get over you.