He should be here.

Yup, here comes another sad break up post. Turn around now if you don't want to read my wallowing.

In the beginning of this whole break up thing, I was trying to lighten the mood by joking around. "Well, dammit there goes my Ring-By-Spring!" was a quote I said to quite a few people who knew about the status and intensity of my former relationship. A few people know Michael and I had talked about getting married, and a few know even more than that. But, anywho. While conversing with my sorority sisters, I often joked that now I would not be the reason for our ceremony for the newly engaged. I didn't think too much of it, until last night we all got to participate in it. I was so happy for my sister who was lavaliered, but I couldn't stop thinking that I would not be the one who would keep the boquet and tell her story to the chapter. Ever. I'm a second semester sophomore, I probably won't find anyone worth marrying any time soon. And even if I do, I probably won't get engaged until after graduation.

This also comes shortly after the most recent date party thrown by our fab social chair. It was great and all, but Michael had planned on coming with me to the party. Then the whole breeak up thing happened and I thought I would be fine with it. Nope.

Michael had attended a Halloween date party with me in October at a club I'll call XYZ. We had lots of fun getting our groove on and talking to people and whatnot. Bet you can guess where the most recent date party was held. Club XYZ. It didn't hit me really until I saw the other couples dancing like Michael and I did. I couldn't stop thinking that he should be here. He should be here, but he's not. It really set me off. Now I enjoyed the night, but only to a certain extent.

So that's been my mentality lately. He should be here. He should be laying in bed with me (This one is still really hard, and it's going to suck so bad when I go home for Spring Break.). I should be there with him. That should be me because of him. I know these things aren't going to happen anymore and it really sucks. I just wish he could be here.

Dammit Michael. 

If You're Reading This...

If you're reading this, know I want to post this on Facebook, but I know I can't. I won't seem strong anymore. If you're reading this, know I want to message you, but I know I shouldn't. If you're reading this, know how badly I want to come back to you.

I don't want this to be over. I want to go back to the way things are. Hurry up and get your life in order so I can come back to you. Just going through the motions of everyday is killer. I think about you with everything I do. Literally almost any song on the radio or on my phone makes me think of you. Some songs make me miss you and makes me think of how our relationship was; while some songs try to remind me that I'm better off without you. I don't know how to move on.

I just want to text you all the time and see how you're doing. I want to know if this hurts you as badly as it hurts me. I want to ask our friends to check on you and then report back to me. But I know all these things are counterproductive. I have to joke about not getting my "Ring By Spring" anymore. I have to act strong in front of the rest of the world because that's who I am. The rest of the world sees me as this strong woman who was done wrong and could care less of what he's doing now, when in reality I'm a mess who just wants to call you and cry to you and tell you "I'm sorry, lets fix this." I want to text you I miss you, but I can't.

Everyone says what you've done is unforgivable and that I could never go back to such a piece of scum. I just want to forget this ever happened. I wish cheating wasn't such a problem. Not to the point of wanting to be in an open or polygamist relationship, but to the point of not having to leave the person you were going to marry because while you were living in separate cities, he got a little too drunk missing people and hooked up with someone because he couldn't see you. You didn't mean to hurt me, so why should this be such a problem?

I wish I could just sweep this under the rug and not worry about it anymore, but I can't. Ignorance is bliss and I just wish I didn't know how to be "so strong" or "so wise and mature". I've lost the two most important men in my life in the past 4 months and I don't know how to  function. I know there is no way I can get my dad back, but knowing Michael is still out there hurt more. It means that there is still a chance, and I feel like every chance I've ever gotten has been shot down.

I hope you're okay, and that you don't hate me. I hope that you hurry up and fix your life so I can take you back. Just get a good car, move to College Station, get a job here and life can go back to the way it was. Prove to me that you want this too. Prove to me I can trust you again. Prove to me that I shouldn't have to get over you.